NEW YORK – Adm. Horatio Nelson’s one-sleeved undershirt, possibly the only piece of the British war hero’s clothing still in private hands, will be auctioned off next month in London, Sotheby’s said on Friday.

The beige undershirt, which used to be white way back in the 19th century, is expected to fetch between $500,000 and $900,000 from some obviously very wealthy individual who can think of nothing better to spend a shitload of money on.

Other Nelson relics and rare letters, including a 10-page letter to his mistress Emma Hamilton (since they did not have booty calls back then), will be placed on the auction block as part of a collection celebrating the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar.

The one-armed, one-eyed admiral became a national hero in England after repelling the French and the Spanish in the legendary battle that ended Napoleon’s chances of crossing the English Channel. Did I mention that the man beat Napoleon with ONE ARM and ONE EYE? That is like losing a game of darts to Stevie Wonder.

“Anyone who beats those smelly Frenchmen usually goes down in history as a hero,” said Michael Grist, the Sotheby’s expert in charge of the sale. “In one battle, in one day, he literally saved England. The man forever proved that our country is the less-gay of the two European superpowers.”

An unpublished letter discussing his naval plans three days before the Trafalgar battle could fetch as much as $54,000. The letter to his beloved Emma, describing how hot she looks and how much he wants to give her his other one-armed, one eyed admiral, could command as much as $108,000. The items are on display in New York over the weekend before their sale in London on October 5.

Nelson remains a figure of enduring fascination 200 years after he was killed during the Battle of Trafalgar while engaging in a fistfight with a young Frenchman who had two good arms and vision in both eyes.

“He was remarkably brave in battle, but he should have known that the guy with two arms was going to kick his ass” Grist said. “Plus, from all accounts, his mistress was not really that hot. Then again, what type of woman dates a crusty, one eyed seaman with a missing arm? Honestly?”

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