WASHINGTON – A Texas grand jury on Wednesday charged Rep. Tom DeLay and two political associates with conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme, forcing the House majority leader to temporarily relinquish his post.

DeLay, 58, was accused of a criminal conspiracy, having a bad haircut, smelling like an odd combination of band aids and cheese, as well as trying to sign other House of Representatives members up for PrePaid Legal, along with two associates, John Colyandro, former executive director of a Texas political action committee formed by DeLay, and Jim Ellis, who heads DeLay’s national political committee.

“I have notified the speaker that I will temporarily step aside from my position, but this is some BULLSHIT!” DeLay said in a statement.

GOP congressional officials said Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., will recommend that Rep. David Dreier of California kiss his wing tip Florshiem dress shoes, then step into those duties. Some of the duties, and the majority of the paperwork, may go to the GOP whip, Rep. Roy Blunt of Missouri.

Criminal conspiracy is a state felony punishable by six months to two years in a state jail and a fine of up to $10,000. The bad haircut and pyramid scheme sales are technically not crimes, nor is the band aids and cheese odor allegedly emitted from Mr. DeLay’sperson. The potential two-year sentence forces DeLay to step down under House Republican rules.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said the president still considers DeLay a friend and effective leader in Congress.

“Congressman DeLay is a good ally and a leader. Plus, he hooked me up with free cable AND taught me how to write off motel rooms for my mistress as a business expense.”

The indictment accused DeLay of a conspiracy to “knowingly make a political contribution” in violation of Texas law outlawing corporate contributions. It alleged that DeLay’s Texans for a Republican Majority political action committee accepted $155,000 from companies, including Sears Roebuck and Starbucks(which allegedly has ties to Satan himself), then placed the money in an account.

The PAC then wrote a $190,000 check to an arm of the Republican National Committee and provided the committee a document with the names of Texas State House candidates and the amounts they were supposed to received in donations. Then DeLay spent the rest on lap dances in numerous strip clubs in the Washington DC area and Houston, Texas.

The indictment included a copy of the check, as well as the phone number to a stripper named “Essence,” which smelled like…band aids and cheese.

“The defendants entered into an agreement with each other or with TRMPAC (Texans for a Republican Majority Political Action Committee) to make a political contribution in violation of the Texas election code,” says the four-page indictment. “The contribution was made directly to the Republican National Committee within 60 days of a general election. It is also alleged that DeLay hooked up free cable for White House press secretary Scott McClellan.”

The indictment against the second-ranking, and most assertive Republican leader came at a time where America’s faith in it’s current leadership regime is growing weaker and weaker by the day. Political observers are going on record and stating that we can’t take much more of this shit right here.

Kevin Madden, DeLay’s spokesman, dismissed the charge as politically motivated.

“This indictment is nothing more than those damn Democrats trying to steal a brother’s shine. Don’t be hatin!” Madden said, in reference to lead prosecutor Ronnie Earle, a Democrat.

Madden later added: “Aww, you motherfuckers…Okay. Alright. I’m putting cases on all you bitches! Huh. You think you can do this shit…Jake! You think you can do this to me?! You motherfuckers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you!”

The grand jury action is expected to have immediate consequences in the House, where DeLay is largely loved by Republicans and despised by Democrats for kicking ass and taking names as far as the conservative agenda goes. Apparently, King Kong ain’t got shit on DeLay. House Republican Party rules require leaders who are indicted to temporarily step aside from their leadership posts.

However, DeLay retains his seat representing Texas’ 22nd congressional district, suburbs southwest of Houston. He denies that he committed any crime, as his personal website ran this headline today: “THE BITCH SET ME UP”

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