In news that should be filed under, “Youre not gonna believe this shit…” and/or “Are you fucking serious?” The Smoking Gun reports that there is a Los Angeles couple that hopes to sell to the public a new wine, named “Jesus Juice”. Thats right, read it again if you have to.

Not only is the shit called Jesus Juice, but the logo featured some one who looks like… fuck it, its mike. Its Micheal muthafuckin Jackson, in the crucifixion pose, sans the cross. He is dressed in the crusifiction uniform, plus his signature fedora, shinny gloves, saggy socks and loafers that he made famous in the 80′s and 90′s. The figure has the MJ Hair and everything. Micheal Jackson is visually recognized acrossed the world, dammit, its mike.

This whole thing is the idea of actress Dawn Westlake ( who ever the fuck that is ) and long time cbs producer Bruce Rheins ( who might soon be unemployed ). To make shit even worse, Rheins was the guy who was the head of the coverage of the MJ molestation case.
Apparently though, the duo filed for a trademark way back in 2004 when the news first broke, roughly about two weeks after. But it was days after it was revealed that Mike was supposedly liquoring up lil boys with what he called “Jesus Juice”, that the couple filed for the trademark for “Jesus Juice”. Some might find it strange that, with all that media coverage, Mikes actual religion of preference never came up. Feel free to insert priest joke here.

Talk about a good joke going way too far. Expect to see these two featured in the INS Hero’s of Insensitivity wall of fame.

Also, we have learned, the vatican has pre-ordered 1 million cases of Jesus Juice to be distributed through out catholic churches and ministries world wide. Thats right, Jesus Juice will be featured at a catholic church near you, as soon as the trademark people get off their asses. Then we can all drink like we are a kid again, at neverland ranch, with our favorite pop star as host.
The vatican insisted ( with out me asking ) that the wine would be used for sacraments only, but i tend to believe otherwise. So i asked my source from the vatican, that if he thought ordering “Jesus Juice” for their ministries would be a bad idea, given the fact that the catholic church also has a not so holy reputation as far as child molestation goes. My source was quick to inform me that the vatican was purchasing the new wine because they were told by the makers of Jesus Juice that the wine would not get children inbriated at all and was safe for children to drink. Despite the fact that its fermented fruit and will get any one drunk if they drank enough of it. Clearly they know something we all dont know. However, these are the same people who claim that sex with a condom will not stop one from getting the AIDS virus. Not because condoms are not 100% fail proof. But because “The spermatozoon can easily pass through the ‘net’ that is formed by the condom”. Thats right, the “NET”. Im not making this shit up, you can google it if you want to. ( Im way too lazy to do it for you )

Our sources at the vatican also claim that they are only buying the Jesus Juice in hopes that their priest can spread some good, and restore the name “Jesus Juice” to its once promenade stature in the eyes of the world. As if it was drank before at some point in time, and then regarded as the holiest of beverages. When I then asked if the Jesus Juice would be used to spread which ever good that our source spoke of. Our source at the vatican said “Sure, I dont see why not.” Shortly thereafter he realized he had just walked in to a joke and I was thrown out of the office.

This picture is a REAL picture, and has not been photoshoped by any one at The INS.

And if you still believe im making this up… click here for the original story.