WASHINGTON - In the face of criticism from the left and right, President Bush insisted Tuesday that Harriet Miers is the best-qualified candidate for the Supreme Court, despite the fact that she’s never been a judge a day in her life. Aknowledging that she does not even have enough judicial experience to judge a barbeque contest, he then assured skeptical conservatives that his lawyer-turned-nominee shares his judicial philosophy - and will continue to help maintain their agenda of screwing over minorities and the poor.

“I’ve known her long enough to know she’s not going to change, even if the facts prove her wrong. That 20 years from now she will be the same hard-headed, stubborn person with the same outdated judicial philosophy she has today,” Bush said. “She’ll have actual judicial experience then…She’ll have been a judge, but nevertheless the philosophy won’t change, and that’s important to me.”

Dismissing Democratic charges of cronyism, Bush said: “I picked the best person I could find. Judge Judy was not available. Judge Mathis is not a real judge, is he? All the rest of the judges in the country with experience didn’t return my phone call in time.” Bush has known Miers for more than 10 years, first as his personal lawyer and most recently as a White House counsel.

Bush called the news conference, his first since May, as he is desperately trying to save face in the midst of a shitstorm of negative press - high gas prices, a rising death toll in Iraq and a bunch of srew-ups in response to Hurricane Katrina. His job approval rating is lower than a crack hooker’s self esteem, and it faces another test with the nomination of Miers. At least we all know he’s well rested after taking his extended Texas vacation.

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