“They Didn’t Kill Those Boys…Just Humped Their Butts A Little”

PHILADELPHIA - Cardinal Antonio Ravioli acknowledged the “pain and suffering” of those who had been abused by priests, but also lashed out at a grand jury report that he said unjustly criticized his predecessors and other members of the diocese.

In a two-page letter, Ravioli expressed regret on the part of the Catholic Church for the many instances of abuse reported over the course of the last 34 years. He also claims to be “outraged” by what he claims is biased media coverage.

Ravioli was not the only one high-ranking Catholic Church official to be upset by the grand jury report, which documented 63 cases of child sexual abuse perpetrated by priests in the archdiocese. In the letter, Ravioli is quoted as saying “This is a rather unfortunate series of events that we as Catholics are facing. These fathers have sinned. Yet, did the Bible tells us that “To err is human, yet to forgive is divine.”

Ravioli also went on to say, “I mean, come on now, it’s not like these priests killed anybody. All they did was hump on their butts a little. Maybe a couple might have reached around, but still. Our church does not deserve this kind of stain. This impure stain.

This gooey, sticky nasty stain on the fabric of the altar robes of our Catholicism. I for one, will not stand for it. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Members of the Philadelphia chapter of the Survivors Network of Assfuckings by Priests, known as SNAP, also distributed a letter to worshippers at several Philadelphia churches. That letter said that it is easy for Ravioli to dismiss these charges as trivial. He was not the one being butt-humped after choir rehearsal.

The Rev. Solomon Ernesto, Jr. urged parishioners of the Immaculate Conception Church to take the letter home and read it, then pray for all of the victims, their families, and the offending priests, some of whom he has known for years.

“It’s easy to judge these folks,” Ernesto Jr. said. “You try holding out on sex forever…Then listen to one of those sweet young tenderonis with their high pitched voices and pretty little mouths…It’s hard. It’s hard out here for a Priest.”

Since 1971, Immaculate Conception Church has been the residence at one time or another of five of the 63 priests identified as child molesters in the grand jury report released Wednesday. This caused it to gain it’s infamous nickname of “Home Of The Filthy Dookie Chasing Priests” by members of the community. This particular church has struggled with the public’s perception of it ever since the first sex scandal hit the newspapers.

“I don’t even walk past that church. It stink. Smell like ass and old people” says a nearby resident known only as “Dink”. He adds, “They be wearing robes and drinking out the same big ass cup…I think they a cult. And they gay.”

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2 Responses to “ “They Didn’t Kill Those Boys…Just Humped Their Butts A Little” ”

  1. Deah Says:

    lmao… just. wrong.

  2. sweet young Says:

    Thanks for the link to this page

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