Researchers at the University Medical Center in Utrecht in the Netherlands looked at the relationship between handedness and cases of breast cancer in more than 12,000 healthy, middle-aged women who were born between 1932 and 1941. Besides having sexual relations with sheep, people from the Netherlands don’t have shit else better to do.

The study, published online Sunday night by the British Medical Journal, found left-handed women were more than twice as likely to develop pre-menopausal breast cancer as non-left-handed women. International organizations are conducting marches for unlucky left-handed women who are going to fucking die because they can’t even use their right hand like they’re supposed to. This is what happens when your mother is a hippie and your father is a car salesman.

“Our aim was to try to shed some more light on a possible cause for breast cancer by picking it from the crack of our Dutch asses, and we were able to show that left-handedness may play a role (among many other causes for breast cancer). Hopefully women will just say fuck it, chop off their left hand and have their titties completely removed to avoid this shit in the first place” said Dr. Cuno Uiterwaal, senior author of the study and assistant professor of clinical epidemiology at the Julius Center for Health Sciences and Primary Care, University Medical Center in Utrecht, the Netherlands. Left-handed women everywhere are thanking Dr. Cuno Uiterwaal for giving them more shit to worry about besides skin, nose, eye, nipple, stomach and tongue cancer.

The homosexual Dutch researcher added that the finding “may be interesting from an etiological point of view, because we do not know all causes for breast cancer, and it may lead to more clues. However, it is far too early (if at all) to think about practical applications such as screening.” Sooner or later, reports will show that breathing in natural oxygen will be the cause of breast cancer in woman who has excessive body hair and a fishy pussy.

The origins of the link may lie in exposure to high levels of sex hormones. This can induce left-handedness as well as cause changes in breast tissue, according to the study. A woman who has a father who has ever jacked off before she was conceived should worry, slightly, because the jerking motion he once practiced can contribute to her left-handedness since the right hand tires, and later cause her this debilitating disease. Hallmark will soon be issuing greeting cards for this specific problem such as “Hey dad, thanks for the breast cancer”. Coming soon to a store near you.

About 8 percent to 9 percent of women are left-handed. But the scientists said the findings should not alarm them. Too late, jackass. These women can feel better because the shitty band Ace of Base has agreed to dedicate a compliation CD for all of the left-handed women who may harbor this disease, featuring brand new renditions of your favorite songs such as “Since My Baby LEFT Me”, “Elvis Has LEFT the Building”, and “(Don’t Lose What’s LEFT ) Of Your Little Mind”.

“What our study intends to do is focus on this area. We do not know all the causes of breast cancer, that is why we should continue. This may be one new factor that leads us to a better understanding of the aetiology (cause of the illness),” Uiterwaal added. They will soon find that the cause of breast cancer is due to listening to a bunch of rubbish and panicking over every little warning. If you would like to avoid getting breast cancer, get your titties sucked on from time to time. It helps keep the blood flowing.

About 5 percent to 10 percent of breast cancers are hereditary. Most are due to mutations in the BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes. Thank God they’re not caused by Jordache genes.

Original article can be found on some asian site I cannot pronounce.