FORT WORTH, Texas – American Airlines, the nation’s largest passenger air carrier, announced Friday that it was canceling 15 round trips temporarily in markets it serves from its two largest hubs, Chicago O’Hare and Dallas-Fort Worth international airports. The cutbacks will go into effect Wednesday and continue through Oct. 29, when American said it will evaluate the jet fuel market and decide whether to restore the flights, or to start making flight attendands sell their sweet asses for cash.

“I know this is some ghetto ass shit..but you see what gas prices are like. Don’t give me that ‘but you’re an airline’ shit. When we stopped the last couple of flights at the gas station, none of you cheap bastards offered to put any money in on filling up the tank. Hell, one of you cheap bastards even asked us to buy him a pack of Kool cigarettes while we are up there paying at the register” according to a statement issued by the Fort Worth-based airline, a unit of AMR Corp.

Jet fuel costs have risen 39 percent in the past month. That alone prompted the decision, said Dan Garton, American executive vice president. American said jet fuel cost 91 percent more Thursday than in September 2004, while crude oil prices had increased just half of that amount, 45 percent, in the same period. Dan wouldn’t go on record as saying that Haliburton had something to do with this, but he did appear at the press conference today wearing a shirt that read “Dick Cheney Is Satan.”

One roundtrip flight each day is also being canceled between DFW and Atlanta; Denver; El Paso, Texas; Newark, N.J.; Washington Dulles; Houston (Bush) Intercontinental; Kansas City, Mo.; Chicago O’Hare; Toronto; Minneapolis-St. Paul; and Tulsa, Okla. Two round trips a day between DFW and Austin, Texas, also are being canceled. If you were planning an early start on your vacation, tough titties.

American also said it would discontinue flights between Chicago O’Hare and Nagoya, Japan at the end of October, so if you’re from Nagoya Japan and you want to go home, you need to get the fuck out of the country by the end of next month. No bullshit. We mean it. Start packing, shit.

American said it cut back markets that would have plenty of other American flights operating…So as long as it’s not a life or death situation, it probably won’t piss off too many people.

“We have made incredible progress in lowering our operational costs for over two years now. However, skyrocketing fuel costs have eaten up all of those savings and more,” Garton said. “We’re thinking of asking folks to sit in other folk’s laps so we can double up on the amount of people per flight…but that’s just another idea that’s being thrown out there.”

AMR shares rose 27 cents, or 2.5 percent, to $11.02 in afternoon trading on the New York Stock Exchange, where they have traded in a 52-week range of $6.34 to $14.95.

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