Apparently, last week was a little wilder than even I thought. I woke up this morning, and got a call from Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney. Here’s how our conversation went:

5:47 AM: *Phone rings*

Me: "Who the f*ck is this? Callin’ me at 5:46…"

Mary Cheney: "It’s 5:47"

Me: "You know what the f*ck I meant. Who is this?"

Mary Cheney: "It’s Mary. Mary Cheney. The Vice President’s daughter. Remember, you met me and my girlfriend Wednesday night after you did that round of Jager shots with the Secret Service agents?"

Me: "Ohhhh yeah. How are you? You’re not still walking funny, are you? I told you that you’d better stretch after all the things I did to you and her that night. Heh heh heh"

Mary Cheney: "I’m fine. I need to tell you something."

Me: "What? Your girl wants me all to herself next time? If you don’t mind, I don’t"

Mary Cheney: "No. I’m pregnant"

Me: " B*TCH IT AIN’T MINE!…I mean, how do you know already?"

Mary Cheney: "I took one of our special High Speed White House pregnancy tests. Bill Clinton had them installed in the Oval Office back in 1997. Then, Maury Povitch came over to my house personally to tell me it was yours."

Me: "But I didn’t take a blood test. How do you really know it’s mine?"

Mary Cheney: "Maury said so. That’s good enough for me."

Me: "Fair enough. Does your lesbian life-partner know?"

Mary Cheney: "Yes. She said if any one man would be the guy she’d let knock me up, it would be you. I had to slap her and remind her that she likes girls thanks to your antics that night. Why oh why did God have to make you so damned irresistable?"

Me: "I’m not God, so I can’t answer that. I can only think about it and smile."

Mary Cheney: "We’re going to keep the details vague, because daddy will break out his shotgun and have another "quail hunting accident" on you if he finds out about this. For your safety, I’m not telling the press much. You can tell anyone you want, because no one is going to believe your ashy black ass."

Me: "Is there any way I can get some Halliburton child support checks?"

Mary Cheney: "No, but you can get the f*ck up out my face with that bullsh*t."

Me: "Alright. Well, I’m going back to sleep."

There you have it. I’m the pappy! Yeah, I said it. You heard it here first. A Leon LePhonso Ellis exclusive!

"I push my seed somewhere deep in her chest/I push it naked ’cause I’m takin’ my test/deliver it Mary, it don’t matter the sex/I’m ‘gon name it Rock ‘N Roll"

 
*Note: Everything in this entry above this line is false. In order to avoid a lawsuit, or ending up like that Russian spy, this disclaimer has been placed here.