Experts say that excessive rain has severely damaged pumpkin crops and caused a shortage of the useless, untasty, fire hazard of a squash for this Halloween season. White people across the country are pissed off and are demanding answers. Rich people (read: white people) have been asked to pay nearly $2 more per pumpkin, causing them to ask President Bush for additional tax relief. Cries of “this is bullshit” and “niggas should have to use watermelons” were heard from numerous pumpkin patches in the town of White Haven Pennsylvania. The Republican Party has reportedly requested that the government begin immediately importing the vegetable from whatever third world country that can get the shit here the cheapest to avoid an escalation in the tensions. The KKK has mandated that Confederate flags be flown at half staff until more pumpkins come in from spics, wetbacks or some other muhfuccahs who don’t speak English. Blacks and Hispanics seem to be unfazed by the shortage. Many of them have suggested that this shortage may reduce the price of Halloween costumes, thereby allowing them to finally purchase a full costume for their children this year (mask, cape, fake blood, fancy bag and all that shit).

Now, if this were a fucking chicken shortage on any given Friday or a sweet potatoe shortage close to the so-called “Thanksgiving”, I might be a little alarmed.

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